Leadership & Market Place Ministry

Monday, December 19, 2016

The Narcissistic Pastor: 10 signs that you may be one

by Charles Stone

Ancient Greek mythology offers an important lesson for anyone in ministry, or in any leadership position for that matter. As one fable goes, Narcissus was a beautiful hunter. As a boy his face looked as if it were chiseled from the purest marble. His beauty attracted others to him but he could never let anyone get close even though they tried to extend their love to him. He resisted because he had found another love. Here’s what happened in the story and the implications for someone who might have traits of a narcissistic pastor.

One day at age 16 as be walked along the mythical river Styx, he stopped to sip water from a calm pool. As he knelt, the image he saw in the pool transfixed him. He immediately discovered his new love, the image of himself. His obsession with his own image kept him from giving or receiving love from others. The story says that because he could not bear to leave his reflection, he lay down by the pool and pined away for himself. Eventually the earth absorbed him and he became the flower narcissus. Thus, the word narcissist came to mean a person who has a fixation with himself.
What are some indicators that a pastor or a leader may be a narcissist? And what are the dangers to his or her ministry and family?
Peter Steinki, a prolific author and church ministry consultant, has working with hundreds of churches and pastors in the last 40 years. He once worked with 65 pastors who had affairs and found that narcissism lay at the root of most of those failures. These pastors’ need for others to value them and their need to feel important led them to sexualize their desires. Their narcissistic tendencies led them to moral failure.
Based on my experience with others and upon the insight of others like Steinki, I believe that if a pastor shows signs of narcissism and doesn’t admit them and seek help, he has doomed himself to failure. The narcissistic pastor lives with an inflated sense of self-importance and an insatiable drive to be liked and to be at the center of attention. Satan will capitalize on these traits and tempt him to compromise his morals and values. A narcissistic pastor will create a false self to cover his fear of humiliation. Exposure to the real person is anathema to him. Steinki says that a narcissistic pastor’s drive to avoid disclosure often results in these kinds of behaviors.^{^[1]}

Rage if he experiences shame for shame exposes his true self.
An inordinate need for praise in order to feel important.
The feeling of entitlement to special treatment.
The immense need for continual feedback of how important she is.
The feeling of superiority and its reinforcement from others.
Strong reaction to rejection and disapproval, sometimes with intense rage.
The lack of the capacity to mourn, a defense against depression.
Calculating and conniving behavior to “maintain” supplies of continuous adulation.
An impaired capacity for commitment.
No capacity for self-focus or self-examination.

Unfortunately, ministry can give rise to narcissism. We are often in the limelight and get kudos and compliments from others that feed our egos. In the past two decades it seems that annually some well-known pastor commits adultery or fails in some public moral way, often rooted in narcissistic tendencies. Unfortunately, narcissists often exude qualities we laud: self-confidence, a magnetic personality, strong platform skills, and the ability to motivate others. Narcissism is deadly. Perhaps that’s one reason the bible often speaks against pride and for humility.
I’d like to hear about your experience with a narcissistic leader. Would you add any traits to this list? Have you ever seen a narcissistic pastor change? What helped him change?
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An 8-Step Evangelism Strategy Any Church Can Use

This past week I had the opportunity to speak with some United Methodist pastors and staff on the subject of church growth. One of the main components was lessons learned from my personal story of meeting Jesus. The following is a quick overview of my personal testimony:
In 1978 my parents divorced and my mother was looking for some level of stability for her three children. Since I was the oldest and angriest of the siblings, my mom informed me we would go wherever I wanted. My three best friends – Mark Nettles, Chuck Black and Tim Price – all attended Acworth (Ga) United Methodist Church. So that’s where I wanted to go. They could have been Hare Krishnas for all I knew but wherever they were is where I wanted to go.
The next two years were an adventure to say the least. I was still an angry teenager. I did not want to be there. I thought church was boring and why was I having to get up early on one of the two days I could sleep in. I disrupted every environment I was in including Sunday School classes, church services, and even communions. I even added petty theft to my resume by stealing drinks from the church soda machine practically every weekend. For the record, did you notice how many times the word “I” was used to describe this two year period – eight times. It was all about me.
But the funny thing was no matter what I did, I could not make them angry. At least not angry enough for them to show it. It was if all the nicest people in the city of Acworth attended that church. As a pre-Christian teenager, my impression of Christians was they were not allowed to get mad. But there was one man in particular who stood out – my Sunday School teacher, Chuck Black’s dad Lenis. I have written about Mr. Black specifically before in the post How A Sunday School Teacher Changed My Life. He modeled for me what a Godly man looked like.
Finally, in August 1980, I gave my life to Jesus Christ on a Sunday night. I have said many times the people of Acworth United Methodist Church literally loved me into the Kingdom.
A couple of weeks after getting saved, Mr. Black asked me if I would like to pray with our pastor before the service. Since it was Mr. Black asking, I obliged. I didn’t even know at the time there was an Old Testament and New Testament, but here I was serving my pastor. Little did I know this would place me on a trajectory where I would now be in my fourth decade of serving pastors and church leaders.
As I look back at my personal story, the following is An 8-Step Evangelism Strategy Any Church Can Use:

Have Your Church Members Build Relationships With Non-Churched People – Think real quick about your circle of friends. How many are unchurched? My three best friends never proselytized me but I knew they attended church. This is important because of the next point.
Tragedy Strikes Everyone – When my parents divorced they were the ones I turned to. Interestingly, one of the pastors in my coaching session just baptized six people in a single Sunday. As he told me their stories, the common thread was each had some level of tragedy or significant disappointment as a catalyst for turning to Jesus. They people in your church need to have proximity to unchurched people to be there in their times of need.
Be A Welcoming And Loving Church – Aside from the person of the Holy Spirit, the most important person on a Sunday is the visitor. Everything should be geared to allowing them to have as wonderful an experience as possible.
Men Were Actively Engaged – Growing churches target, reach and enlist men in ministry. If a child comes to Christ first, there is a 6% chance the entire family will meet Christ. If a wife or mother comes to Christ first, there is a 18% chance the entire family will meet Christ. But if a husband or father comes to Christ first, there is a 94% chance the entire family will meet Christ. Your campus, environment, music, preaching and volunteer enlistment systems should target men.
Relevant Messages – Mr. Black made the Bible come alive. His messages were relevant, probably because he had a teenage son. He used humor and talked about sports. I really enjoyed his class and kept coming back to hear him.
They Gave Me Time To Process My Spiritual Journey – Just because I kept coming back did not mean they were glad to see me. I was a mess but they took a long-term view regarding my journey. They were more focused on what I was becoming rather than what I was.
They Shared The Gospel With Me – Growing churches equip people to share the Gospel. We have the message everyone longs for – Hope and Freedom. Therefore, you must value the articulation of the Gospel message above simply doing good deeds. Good deeds – the Gospel message = Temporary Relief. Good deeds + the Gospel Message = A Changed Life.
Immediately Connected Me To A Place Of Ministry – Once I became a Christian, Mr. Black immediately had me praying for my pastor. He gave me ownership in the ministry.

To recap, here was An 8-Step Evangelism Strategy Any Church Can Use – Build Relationships With Unchurched People, Be There During Times Of Tragedy, Be A Welcoming Church, Have Christian Men In Leadership, Have Relevant Messages, Give People Time To Process The Message, Share The Gospel and after they become Christ followers, Immediately Engage Them In Ministry.

Click HERE or on the image to the left and as a free gift for subscribing to this site, you can receive my new Ebook 1269 Leadership Quotes: Timeless Truths From 2016’s Top Christian Leadership Conferences. Featured are the Johnny Hunt Mens Conference, ReThink Leadership, Orange and Leadercast Conferences among others. If applied, these insights will make you an exponentially better leader. Enjoy!!!

17 Leadership Quotes And Lessons From Heisman Trophy Winner Lamar Jackson

Despite a late push by Clemson Tigers superstar quarterback Deshaun Watson, Louisville Cardinals quarterback Lamar Jackson named winner of the 2016 Heisman Trophy this evening signifying him as college football’s top player. He is also the youngest Heisman winner ever.
The following are 17 Leadership Quotes And Lessons From Heisman Trophy Winner Lamar Jackson which also includes additional leadership quotes from the show’s broadcast:

“He (Jackson) started the season with a great victory over Florida Sate and a great TV game against Clemson. Those two things put him way ahead of everyone else.” – Lee Corso
“The journey was tough but the only thing that got me through it was my mother, my Lord and Savior, and my children.” – Oklahoma Sooner wide receiver Dede Westbrook
“We always thought Dede was going to special from the moment he stepped on campus just because of his speed. We’ve been able to utilize that and that’s what separates him from everyone else.” – Oklahoma Sooner quarterback Baker Mayfield
“Adversity can do one of two things. It can cause you to travel down a dark, dark path or it can ignite something very powerful and passionate within you.” – Jabriel’s mom Ivory
“He was always passionate about succeeding and it was my mission to make sure he did.” – Ivory
“I’m most proud of his hard work, his passion, his compassion, his kindness, his sensitivity.” – Ivory
“She did a great job in everything she did…She never complained.” – Peppers
“It’s an honor to have her right here.” – Jackson on his mom
“All the hard work I put in I don’t get as recognized as others.” – Watson
“I’m a better quarterback. I’m a better leader.” – Watson
“Worry about the small things. It’s going to come down to the details…We don’t just want to get to the Final Four. We want to finish it…Just keep it simple.” – Watson. Now onto the acceptance speech:
“I want to thank my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.” – Jackson
“For my teammates, this is an award for all of us.” – Jackson
“There was one school that stood by my side…That was the University of Louisville.” – Jackson
“They believed in me right away.” – Jackson
“Losing my father and grandmother on the same day…my mom was a real soldier.” – Jackson
“Mom, I love you so much.” – Jackson

My final thought was regarding how much mothers were present in each players’ life. While I celebrate the incredible hard work of moms everywhere, it was heartbreaking not one dad was mentioned in the story of any of the players.
What are your thoughts on Jackson’s victory? For more on Lamar Jackson and how he chose to play at Louisville click The One Thing You Must Be To Attract Talented Young Leaders.

How Highly Successful Worship Leaders Handle On-Stage Crisis

This past Sunday I was watching a vocalist lead a congregation in the popular song “You Make Me Brave.” During the second verse her microphone went out. At that moment, the worship leader stepped up to her microphone, picked the song right up and continued the time of worship. It was seamless. The moment the audience was experiencing did not miss a beat. A member of the church’s staff then leaned over to me and said, “Did you see her step right in when that mic went out? That was good.”
Afterwards, I was speaking with her and shared how impressed I was with how she handled that potentially service-altering situation. She said, “You don’t know the have of it.” I noticed as the song began, rather than facing the crowd she was looking at the keyboard player as she played her guitar.
She explained why, “They forgot to turn off the house music to our in-ears. So when the music began we couldn’t hear anything but house music. I was looking at the keyboard player to get him to turn off the sound.”
I then asked about stepping up to the mic and begin signing. She said, “Even though she right beside me, I couldn’t hear anything else, just the house music. The person at the sound booth just started shouting in my ear to SING! SING!”
I said, “Well, no one in the audience knew anything except a mic went dead. I am just really impressed with how well you handle crisis situations.” It was at this point she dropped leadership gold.
She said, “I got really good at handling crisis situations by handling crisis situations…and when it comes to worship there is always a crisis.”
What an insightful statement. Leaders cannot learn to successfully handle crisis by taking shortcuts. They must go through the crucible. Leaders can only learn to handle crisis situations by tackling crisis situations head on.
So when crisis hits, do not try to avoid it. Do not delegate it away. Press into it. Learn to get comfortable in crisis. Handling crisis will make you an indispensable leader. This is vital skill because dealing with crisis situations is simply a regular part of the leadership. It is why you are there.

I hope this isn’t your fault

About a decade ago, the “missional movement” promised to transform the Church and make loads of new disciples. It was supposed to break down barriers in our culture, stopping the decline of church attendance nationwide. So who broke the missional movement?
Unfortunately, the answer may be closer than we think. Check out my new post and video:
Who Broke the Missional Movement?
The Biggest Thing Keeping Churches from Effectiveness

I have discovered that despite all of the hype and all of the ‘cool-factor’ connected to this hoped-for movement, most pastors and leaders I know have still barely embraced a lifestyle of discipleship and mission. Why is that? Here are 7 roadblocks I see (and hear) a lot: [continue reading]
We’re in this together!
–Caesar
P.S. If you want to learn how to live as God’s family of missionaries in your neighborhood, and break the cycle of week-to-week Christianity check out this unique training opportunity.

The Wrong Person To Hire And Complimentary Ebook On Staffing

In his iconic book The 21 Irrefutable Laws Of Leadership John Maxwell wrote about The Law Of The Inner Circle which states those closest to the leader determine the success of the leader. Successful leaders understand you have to get the right people around you. You have to learn how to hire well.
One mistake I see leaders make on a regular basis is they hire someone who happens to be available rather than who they want. Several years ago after taking a job, someone said to me, “I didn’t know you were available.” My response was, “You didn’t ask.”
Smart leaders look for who they want, not who is available. Recently, one of my favorite leaders Bryan Miles wrote on this topic. I wanted to share his thoughts with you.
Before getting to his thoughts and speaking of hiring who you want, make sure you click HERE and check out his organization MAG Bookkeeping. With year-end and tax season approaching, if you need bookkeeping assistance, there is not a better organization out there. Now onto Bryan’s thoughts:
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Never confuse availability with competency. If you are planning to grow, the reality is that you need to expand your workforce to accomplish your business objectives. That means you need the right person at the right price—TODAY.
Just because someone is available for the time you need them, at the rate you can pay, and for the tasks you need completed, doesn’t mean they are the best person for the job. In fact, sometimes the person you need to hire is most likely already employed by someone else. (Did you just hear the universal cash register in the sky ringing, adding the pile of money necessary to lure your next hire away from another employer?)
When you make the investment in hiring an employee, you deserve to get the best person available on the market. I want that for you too.
The end goal is not to hire people for the sake of hiring them. You’re hiring them because it’s part of the process of moving you toward your business goals. (If you confuse one with the other, your business will go broke—and quickly.)
Since reaching your business goals is the end game, don’t settle for “available.” Keep looking for the best.
It’s possible to have the most competent person available for the price you can afford and for the amount of time that you need them. Seriously.
You can have your cake and eat it, too, if you’re willing to rethink how you hire.
Thoughts? Let me know on Twitter – @bryanmiles

5 Ways to Grow Your Leaders

“At the end of the day, you bet on people, not on strategies.” –Larry Bossidy

Every client I’ve had in the last decade eventually works around to the issue of “How do I improve the talent of my team?” In my experience, there are only three good ways to answer this question: 1) hire better; 2) grow your people; or 3) both.

In other words, it always comes down to your people, doesn’t it? It’s almost impossible to overvalue talent. Whether we’re talking football, construction, a small not-for-profit, or a giant global business—growing and developing your people into great talent eventually becomes a priority.

Over the years I have helped hundreds of organizations think about growing their leaders. Here is a distilled framework I have used.

Establish a leadership greenhouse

Build a culture that expects all leaders and managers to be self-developing and growing others. In other words, you have to constantly define and redefine leadership. Make sure your company understands that growth is the norm, not this:

Remember that development should be a mindset and not a seminar. As this Forbes article points out, having a leadership development culture means constantly modeling and taking advantage of real problems as development opportunities.

Benchmark the start

Make an objective and subjective judgment to index a starting point. Use any tool you want but get the starting point fixed for you and for each of your employees. When are you starting? And what are you measuring? As tennis great Arthur Ashe simply said, “Start where you are.”

You are benchmarking the mind, muscle, and hunger of each team member. And always keep in mind that you need employees with certain skill sets during certain cycles and others during different cycles. But typically, someone’s intelligence, their work ethic/stamina, and their hunger are the universal qualities you need to develop as a leader.

Define what you mean by growth

Be specific and clear with your expectations of their growth: We agreed you should grow in this area, over this time, and we will measure it this way.

Pick only one or two growth traits at a time. Employ the big categories of soft and hard traits, character, skill, behavior, and attitude, and then drill down to delegation, finance, listening, hard conversations, asking questions, etc. One of the mistakes people often make in leader building is to stay too high and inspirational, chasing some perfect picture of leadership. Instead, find one or two specific things to work on.

But always keep agreement in mind. Over time, people implement what they understand and buy in to.

It’s about the process, not the epiphany

It takes more than an epiphany for people to grow and change. It takes a process. Yes, an epiphany moment, a “Wow! I never knew that before!” can get us off high center but it can’t hold us. It takes some combination of urgency and weight to drive sustainable change.

The process must be customized to the company and the individual. This McKinsey study found four common flaws in leadership development programs. Number one was forgetting about the company context, and number three was failing to deal with the underlying mindsets of the individual.

On the company level, the process must fit your culture and context. Every company has a culture that guides the organization’s life and workflow. For example, some companies/organizations are more academic and intellectual while others are more pragmatic and utility based. Some are driven by top-line growth, and some are more wired to micromanaging the bottom line. Some are more formal, and some are more relaxed.

On the individual level, consider an individual’s learning style, appetite, background, experience, as well as the areas where you think that person should grow for his or her own benefit and to fit the needs of the organization. Any development process must fit the person. That is why stock solutions usually don’t help senior leaders. They need customized solutions.

Finally, make sure the process is practical. Are the resources (time, money, expertise, mentoring, etc.) in place? How is leadership development going to be part of the daily workflow? If it’s an add-on to all the other job responsibilities, the leader begins to dread it. The growth plan must be woven into the rhythm, the targets, and the outputs of daily work.

Measure often and give feedback

The McKinsey study I mentioned also found that leadership development often fails to measure results. “We frequently find,” they wrote, “that companies pay lip service to the importance of developing leadership skills but have no evidence to quantify the value of their investment.”

Go back regularly to the original benchmarks and the standard you set for growth. Are you meeting goals, falling short, or exceeding? Where? Why? Be specific and personal. This is basic One Minute Manager stuff of, “When someone does something well or poorly, don’t wait to tell them. Give immediate praise or rebukes.” Look them in the eye, put your hand on the shoulder, and speak what you’re thinking.

Also, know your leaders and your culture well enough to appropriate use rewards. What financial incentives are in place? What promotions can you give to increase responsibility? Tie in to their intrinsic motivators to reward progress—as long as it’s objective progress.

Building leaders is something every organization must embrace. Any shortcuts or oversight will come at a cost. Done well, though, you win, your people win, your customers win, and even the markets win.

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