7 Ways to Respond When You Want to Punch Someone—and You’re a Christian

By Carey Nieuwhof

“In the name of grace, Christians sacrifice truth. In the name of truth, Christians sacrifice grace.”

Feel like you want to punch someone? Or at least not deal with them anymore?
What do you do when the person in question goes to your church?
How do you handle that tension when you’re a … Christian?
It’s strange, but being a Christian doesn’t automatically make you good at resolving conflict. In fact, many Christians and many churches are terrible at it.
Unresolved—or poorly resolved—conflict sinks a lot of potential in the church. It also causes thousands of staff and volunteers to leave every year. And it makes millions of church goers simply miserable.
Fun, isn’t it?
Chances are you already know exactly what I’m talking about. Even better. You know exactly who I’m talking about.

Many Christians and churches are terrible at resolving conflict. Why?

In the United States alone, 70 percent of the people who will go to work today will tell you they don’t like their jobs. I don’t think that’s just an American issue. It’s a people issue.
So many people I know get frustrated at work. And one of the top frustrations?
The people they work with.
Ditto for church world (no stat … I’ve just visited enough churches to feel comfortable saying that).
Sometimes the people we’re most frustrated with are the people we work with (staff and volunteers) and the people we worship with.
How do you fix that without becoming a jerk or letting the tension simmer unresolved?

Why Do Christians Struggle With Conflict So Much?

Before we jump to how to resolve conflict, let’s understand why we have it.
First, on this side of heaven conflict is inevitable. But that said, here’s why I think Christians often struggle with conflict:
In the name of grace, Christians sacrifice truth.
In the name of truth, Christians sacrifice grace.
We worry about hurting other people’s feelings, when really one of the best things we can do is offer honest feedback.
And in the end, we’re not sure how to support someone we genuinely disagree with; we swing the extremes: We avoid the situation or we blow it up.
None of that needs to be.

In the name of truth, Christians sacrifice grace. In the name of grace, Christians sacrifice truth.

 

7 Healthy Ways to Resolve Tension and Conflict

I have learned (through trial and error), that these seven strategies below can help me deal with conflict.
I hope they can help you.
They can work with coworkers, with a boss, with a volunteer, with a friend—with anyone you have a relationship with.
Here are 7 ways that I hope can help you resolve conflict with someone you work with:

1. Own your part of the problem.

Conflict and even bad chemistry is almost never 100 percent one person’s fault.
One of the best expressions I’ve heard on how to figure out the extent to which you might be part of the problem is to ask a compelling question: What’s it like to be on the other side of me?
Jeff Henderson asked that question in a great series at North Point Church called Climate Change.
You can listen to the message for free here and a scroll through the small group questions, in and of itself is instructive. Own what you can.
So … what is it like to be on the other side of you? Ask some people.

Ask yourself, “What’s it like to be on the other side of me?” @jeffhenderson

2. Go direct.

Issues in the church are often mishandled because we talk about someone rather than to someone.
Your co-worker at the water cooler isn’t the problem, so why talk to him about it?
Jesus was crystal clear on how to handle conflict, but very few Christians follow his practice.
In the name of being ‘nice’ (I can’t tell her that!), we become ineffective.
Talk to the person you have the problem with. Directly. Or else just be quiet about it.

In the name of being nice, Christians become ineffective.

3. Give them the benefit of the doubt. 

The person you’re upset with might not realize how they are coming across. It’s OK to say that out loud.
“Rachel, you might not realize this, but sometimes your emails can come across as demanding or even demeaning. I’m not sure you’re aware of that, but I just wanted to let you know how they leave me feeling sometimes.”
That gives the person an out, and frankly, many times, they probably had no idea they were coming across negatively.
Giving a person an out and the benefit of the doubt preserves their dignity.

4. Explain. Don’t blame.

How to talk to the person you’re struggling with is where many people struggle.
And those conversations often go sideways because people begin with blame.
Don’t blame. Explain.
Instead of saying “You always” or “You never” (which might be how you feel like starting), begin by talking about how you experience them.
If you’re dealing with an ‘angry person’ for example, you might frame it this way: “Jake, I just want you to know that when you get upset in a meeting, it makes me feel like the discussion is over and I can’t make a contribution.”
If you’re dealing with gossip, try something like: “Ryan, on Tuesday when you told me what happened to Greg on the weekend, I felt like that was something Greg should have told me directly.”
Do you hear the difference between explaining and blaming?

5. Be specific.

Giving one or two specific incidents is much better making general accusations or commenting on personality traits. “The other day in the meeting” or “In your email on the August numbers yesterday” is much more helpful than “You just always seem so frustrated.”
The more specific you are, the more you de-escalate conflict and move toward a hopeful ending.

6. Tell them you want things to get better.

What the person you’re confronting needs is hope.
At this point, they probably feel defensive, ashamed and (hopefully) sorry.
Let them know the gifts they bring to the table and the good they do.

7. Pray for them.

I know this sounds trite, but it’s not. Don’t pray about them. Pray for them.
It is almost impossible to stay angry with someone you pray for.
It can also give you empathy for them, and at least in your mind’s eye, it places you both firmly at the foot of the cross in need of forgiveness.
It will take any smirk of superiority out of your attitude, which goes a long way toward solving problems.

It is almost impossible to stay angry with someone you pray for.

What Are You Learning?

Do these seven steps always result in a positive outcome? No.
But I believe they will resolve the majority of cases in front of you in a very healthy way. At least they have for me. (This approach, by the way, is also effective at home and in most relationships in life.)
I don’t get all seven approaches right every time, but when I can practice them, I find that conflict almost always resolves better.
What would you add to the list? What’s worked for you?  

Carey Nieuwhof is Lead Pastor of Connexus Church north of Toronto, Canada, blogs at www.careynieuwhof.com and is host of The Carey Nieuwhof Leadership Podcast available for free on iTunes. More from Carey Nieuwhof or visit Carey at http://careynieuwhof.com